On Fostering

“Who is that?” I asked, pointing at a picture of my husband.

“That’s my daddy!” She replied immediately. She then turned to me, “mama, when will he be home?”

We had only been hosting Hannah* for a week, but she had quickly given up on our names in favor of mama and daddy and had stolen our hearts just as fast.

We went from our normal pace (that of a relaxed couple living out in the suburbs with no kids, though 8 months pregnant) to the demanding pace of a 3 year old in the span of an hour after I met and returned home with Hannah, our first placement through Safe Families. Just a week later life resumed “normally” the day after we scrambled to get Hannah and her few bits of clothing, along with the toothbrush we bought her, to the cities in time for her mom to secure a spot in a family shelter. From the time we heard anything about the placement ending to the time Hannah was gone we had just 3 hours. I was at work for most of them. While the way it ended was stressful, the placement was anything but.

What has been amazing is the impact such a short time has had on us.

Now, we got possibly the easiest first placement possible. Hannah was sweet, energetic, well-behaved, and so, so lovable. I have been around foster care my whole life and know this is not always the case. My parents fostered and adopted children before I was even born. I don’t remember many times growing up where we didn’t have one or more extra kids running around. I know first hand that foster-care is hard stuff, but it is also beautiful. And it was our normal; I didn’t know anything different.

James and I have discussed fostering and adoption for the past 5 years. It is something I have always longed to do and something he has pushed himself to understand and embrace. While I wanted to do it he wanted to want to do it. We talked and prayed over it many, many times. I have been praying for the past couple years that he would develop the heart for it that I have.

In just a week with Hannah that prayer was answered.

When we learned about Safe Families I immediately wanted to apply to become a host family. SF essentially acts as a safety net for families who are struggling and do not have support around them. Families go through training to become ‘hosts’ and when a need arises they can offer to take whichever placements work for their current situation.

A SF placement is voluntary on the part of the parent/guardian who is placing the child (unlike foster care). It can last anywhere from a few days to several months. The goal of SF is to give the families the support they need to get to a place in life where it is healthy for them to be reunited with their children. In the meantime they help coordinated safe and loving homes for the children to stay.

A child might be placed for a few week while a single mother finds a job or for a few months while both parents sort through outstanding legal issues. The host families are encouraged to pursue relationships with the whole family in order to offer holistic support.

It’s messy work. But life is messy.

When the opportunity to apply for SFs came up I wanted to jump in and deal with logistics as we went. James, however, wanted us to figure out a few things before starting. I impatiently waited for things to get to a place where he felt it was a good time to begin pursuing it, it is not something I wanted to go into without both of us on board. After a few months we began the process, which took a few more months… and then waited another few months to be in a place job-wise where we could make it work. When the request for Hannah went out I knew we could make it work and James cautiously agreed to try. The request for a host family went out on Thursday and we had Hannah in our home by lunch on Friday. In our week with Hannah, James and I finally moved onto the same page. At the end of the week we debriefed and agreed that:

*Fostering is not so scary. It’s simply taking someone in and loving them as best you can for the time they are with you. It is simply saying “yes.” Yes to opening your heart and your home.

They won’t be perfect and you won’t be either. There are unknowns but they shouldn’t be an insurmountable barrier.

*Adoption is not so scary. There are not biological boundaries on love. Their lives may be more complicated, things will probably be harder in many ways, but at the and of the day they are children who deserve love and safety and life isn’t about finding the path of least resistance.

*Parenting is not so scary. This is good, considering how very pregnant I currently am. We enjoyed being “mom and dad” for a week and are more excited than ever to welcome baby Z into our family.

(We are very cognizant that it was a short time but I believe the things we learned are still valid. Also, I do not want to downplay the complexities of fostering and adoption, it is by no means easy or straightforward, but difficulty does not negate beauty!)

Yes, it was hard when Hannah left. Yes, it will be hard next time around too. But I would take the hard with the beauty any day.

If you are interested in becoming a host family or supporting Safe Families in some way drop us a message or check our their website: https://www.bethany.org/other-services/safe-families-for-children or facebook page: Safe Families For Children Minnesota

*Names are changed to protect anonymity

Disposable-Consumerism

“I just have this phone because I like small phones. It’s not really a good symbol of conservation. Conservation isn’t some huge sacrifice. It doesn’t mean you can’t have nice things. I’ve got a nice flat screen TV at home, great furniture, a sauna, sporting goods, and all the clothes I can wear. Conservation just means that you aren’t constantly getting rid of perfectly good stuff to replace it with stuff that you don’t need. A perfect table is perfect for hundreds of years. You don’t need a new one every couple years. Our culture is called ‘materialistic,’ but that’s not even correct, because ‘materialism’ implies that we value our possessions. And we don’t. We get rid of them, then we destroy Africa to get more shit that nobody needs. There’s no more pressing problem right now than the depletion of the earth. The earth can tolerate a lot of punishment, but if there isn’t a change in the way we consume, there is no way it can survive. We will gladly give money help people in need. But we can’t equate the act of conservation with helping billions of people for generations to come.” –Humans of New York

When I came across this post the other day I was particularly struck by the truth in the statement about materialism. We live in the strange dissonance of a culture that is both materialistic and disposable. Our country is built on consumerism. We are taught to be consumers from childhood. Everywhere we turn there is stuff. Tempting us with the lie that we need it. We love stuff. But we also don’t. We love stuff for a time and then happily toss it aside when different stuff comes along. I could get into materialism but I think today I will lean more toward the problem of disposable consumerism, which goes hand-in-hand with materialism.

We no longer buy things to last. In fact, we often can’t, due to a market swamped with items produced for planned obsolescence. We buy stuff for a buck at the dollar store with the idea that when the poorly (probably unethically) produced object inevitably gives out way before it should we can just buy another! We line our pans with foil so we can throw it away instead of just cleaning the pan. As I sit in a coffee shop writing this I see dozens of people who are drinking in but have disposable cups anyway, containers that will spend 40 minutes in use and then sit in a landfill for hundreds of years. We spend $5 on a plastic laundry basket that we will need to replace in 2 years instead of $20 on a canvas one that will last 10 years.

We want stuff: we want it cheap: and we want to be able to replace it with more stuff whenever we feel like it. We care more about the price we pay than the price the workers and environment pay.

We like our stuff, but not enough to keep it, to fix it, to upcycle it when it is no longer functional. All too often it is cheaper to fully replace something than to have it fixed, even more often we don’t even consider fixing it.

“Our culture is called ‘materialistic,’ but that’s not even correct, because ‘materialism’ implies that we value our possessions. And we don’t. We get rid of them”

Why should you care about your consumption?

1. We are depleting our resources and developing countries and the poor are disproportionally paying the price.
2. We are harming nature and animals.
3. We are wasting money, time, and energy.
4. We are creating excessive demand that leads to unethical working conditions for millions of people around the world.
5. We are called to be stewards of the Earth and we are doing a poor, poor job.

Everyone has heard “Reduce, Reuse, Recycle” but have you heard “Rethink, Refuse, Reduce, Reuse, Repair, Recycle”? We think the pinnacle of conservation is recycling but how about not buying the object that will have to be recycled? Or demanding our goods are packaged responsibly. What about having less and borrowing more? Sharing what you have so that others can own less.

I love this more alternative list: use what you have, borrow, swap, thrift, make, buy. In that order!

 

Many people have written about this and done so far better than I. I follow a few pages and blogs that give practical advice on how to consume more ethically and responsibly. However, my experience is that most people aren’t out looking for this information because we think we are doing enough. Most people need a more basic introduction to conservation because they are happy enough to have a recyclable coffee cup and haven’t thought about where it with go after they recycle or throw it away (the ocean: harming plants and animals, parks: littering our green spaces, the landfill: spending up to 700 years before they even begin to degrade, or a recycling center if you’re lucky: being down-cycled into another object that still will not degrade.) Did you know that very little that is recycled actually ends up being recycled? Only 2 in 10 plastic bottles are actually recycled even if you put them in the recycling. Did you know that companies like Nestle and Coke are depleting water sources in impoverished areas to meet our demand for bottled water and pop?

If any of this is disturbing to you try these 5 things this week:

1. Bring your own cup or ask for a mug at the coffee shop. If you are not a coffee person, buy a reusable water bottle.
2. Take your own bags when you are shopping, plastic bags are a huge problem in terms of pollution throughout their entire life-cycle. And they are completely unnecessary!
3. Borrow something this week instead of buying it.
4. Buy something second-hand instead of new.
5. Research a product before buying it to see if it is made ethically.

Advanced:

1. Start composting; food that would degrade in the compost can last hundreds of years in a landfill and emits far more greenhouse gases. (Before composting- eat your leftovers! Americans throw out 40% of the food we buy! 60% of the food produced is not eaten.)
2. Grow some of your own food and look for package-free alternatives to what you usually buy (Check out bulk stores in your area where you can take your own container for the food you buy.)
3. Make your own cleaning products (baking soda and vinegar cleans pretty much everything)
4. Never buy bottled water again! It is energy and water intensive and completely unnecessary (in most developed nations).
5. Support local efforts to make businesses accountable for their consumption practices.

For practical advice and better explanations on the importance of rejecting our disposable culture check out:

• The Story of Stuff on Facebook
• The Art of Simple website and/or Facebook
• Trash if for Tossers website and/or Facebook

5 Weeks

5 weeks and our lives change forever.

5 weeks and we go from a family of 2 to a family of 3.

5 weeks and we are entrusted with the care of a completely dependent tiny person.

5 weeks and Baby Z will start to make his impact on the world and we will start to make our impact on him.

What will that impact be? We have values that we hope to instill, character traits that we will encourage, a way of living that we will try to promote- but what he takes and what he leaves will be up to him. And that’s how it should be. No matter how much I want to guide him to my values, he is his own person. This is what I want for him, in theory. I want him to tread his own path and make his own decisions but I don’t have any concept of just how hard that will be when it comes down to it. It’s a mixture of excitement and terror. Who will he be? How will he change me and my beliefs? Most of my beliefs I hold tightly. I really, really want our children to follow in them but I also recognize that my way is not the only way. The woes of a type 1 personality (for those in the Enneagram sphere). The other day I came across a blog post that encouraged readers to take a moment and make a list of the 5 things that are most important to them. I was intrigued so I did it and what I came up with is pretty representative of what I want to instill in my children (my children… that sounds very adult!). How they incorporate these values into their own lives is their choice (because the world does not need a bunch of mini-Jalyss’s, although I am hoping for some gingers). I spoke with James and he said he felt it was representative of his priorities as well, which is good, ‘cause we are a team 🙂 So I will speak for #TeamZapfletts.

Our Values:

Whole-heartedly following Christ

First and foremost I want Z to know that there is a good God who loves him. I pray that Z will in turn love God. I want him to genuinely follow Christ’s example. I want him to see through our family that following God should make your life noticeably different and I want him to want that for his own life. I want him to care about the things God cares about and allow Him to guide his life and choices.

Relationally focused life, community oriented

The American Dream is simply unhealthy and inevitably ends up causing us to be inwardly focused. Our priorities become skewed with careers taking precedence over family and independence being elevated over community. I want our child to break from that path, to know that there is another way to live. I want him to know that his career is not his identity. I want him to recognize the importance of truly sharing life with others and to accept and extend support. Life is hard and shouldn’t be done alone. Life is not meant to be lived alone, I want him to experience deep and meaningful relationships in all stages of his life.

Hospitality

My family operates on the belief that “there’s always room for one more” whether that be adding adults from group homes to our holiday celebrations, participating in adoption and foster care, or just being open to the neighborhood kids dropping in for dinner unannounced. We have an open door policy that results in a revolving door. I want our child to know his friends are always welcome. I hope that he will be welcoming to those who are going through good times or bad times, extending and accepting hospitality. I hope his doors and arms and heart are always open.

Social Justice:

I want our child to grow up knowing that inequality exist, that privilege and racism are real, and that we should actively seek to be a part of changing this. I want him to recognize the worth of each person no matter their sex, race, culture, orientation, religion, and so on. I want him to think about where his clothes come from and the working conditions of those who made them. To consider who picks the fruit that he eats and whether they are paid fairly. I want him to fight against the rhetoric that marginalizes those on welfare. I want him to actively care.

Sustainablility

I want little Z to respect the environment and do his best to live in a way that is sustainable. I don’t want him to follow the trend of disposable-materialism but to instead distinguish between a need and a want. To invest in things that are long-lasting and ethically produced. I hope that he recognizes that his consumption habits and lifestyle have an impact on the Earth and by extension those who inhabit it. I want him to appreciate the world around him and respect it.

I also hope he’s funny, because I want him to fit in with our family 😉 But that is possibly a secondary want…

But with all that said, I want him to be unashamedly himself. I’m sure he will have a few things to teach us.

5 weeks and the journey begins. We can’t wait.

I am not ok

*I wrote this about 6 months ago and have been indecisive about sharing it. My belief in the importance of reducing the stigma of mental illness has pushed me to go through with posting it.

My name is Jalyss and I have depression.

When I was first diagnosed with depression it felt like some big secret. Like a lie of omission if I didn’t tell people. During all of my normal interactions I felt this bizarre compulsion to blurt out, “by the way I have depression!” The past year and a half of my life was finally making sense to me and I wanted everyone else to know why I was the way I was for those 18 months. How the me they knew wasn’t the me I knew. It was important to me that they not judge me on who I was while I was at my lowest. I felt like the label “clinical depression” suddenly justified my struggles and I didn’t realize how deeply I needed that justification until I had it.

My name is Jalyss and I have depression.

The first few days after seeing my doctor and starting medication I told some close friends. “So I guess I have depression after all”. I said it as much to tell them as to convince myself. They already knew, they had been telling me for some time. They were the reason I got help. As the meds kicked in I realized I did in fact, have depression. I didn’t need to convince myself anymore- because things were changing dramatically. And I don’t think anti-depressants generally have that effect on people who don’t have depression…

I needed to tell people. It was a huge thing in my life and it felt weird not sharing it. I am a sharer. I wanted to shout to the world, “Depression meds are great! Please, if you are struggling, see a doctor! Don’t wait!”

I don’t know why it is so hard to see things clearly when you are the one involved. During the time I was avoiding seeing a doctor I convinced two friends to get counseling for depression. Meanwhile my friends pointed out the irony.

Despite having struggled for a year and a half I just didn’t feel “depressed enough” to get help. I didn’t want to overreact, didn’t want to waste anyone’s time. When I used the term depression to describe how I was feeling I felt like an imposter. Like I was insulting people who actually had depression. I also felt guilty for not being happy, so there was a part of me that was still trying to convince myself that I was. Either that or convince myself that being unhappy wasn’t actually that bad. After all, things were better than they had been in the months before, so I would be OK. I just needed to give it time. Be grateful. Be stronger. Suck it up! It would be fine. I was fine.

It took some hard conversations to realize just how fine I wasn’t and how it wouldn’t be fine if I didn’t get help. Untreated depression is possibly not the easiest way to start your marriage.

My name is Jalyss and I have depression.

I have no stigma against mental illnesses like depression. Getting professional help for depression is as sensible as seeing a doctor for a broken bone. I think meds are often an important part of treatment. Depression is not a character flaw. It’s not “unspiritual” or being dramatic. It is a medical condition and should be treated. Depression can be strictly a chemical imbalance, a combination of chemical and situational factors, or chemical changes in the brain brought on by a situation. It can be triggered by severe stress or by nothing at all. You can have a predisposition to depression, it can run in families, or you can develop it with no warning. Depression can be life-long or a one-time episode. Chronic or acute. Debilitating or just really damn difficult. Depression comes in many forms but all forms should be taken seriously. Depending on the type of depression it can be treated with medication, lifestyle changes, or counseling (and various combinations of the three). So with that said I am pro meds! I am pro counseling! I am pro doctors and getting help. I feel these things should be talked about far more to normalize and reduce stigma. Yet…

When it’s you it is so hard to see.

It’s hard to see that having days where you feel like you can’t possibly muster up the energy to speak so you type out conversions with the person next to you, is not normal.

Hard to see that your constant preoccupation with what you have lost is not a normal part of homesickness.

Hard to see that your inability to see any positives in life is maybe not your fault. Not a character flaw. Not just a rough patch.

Hard to remember that crying regularly for no identifiable reason is not normal.

Hard to accept that losing 20 pounds when you don’t have 5 to lose is a problem.

Hard to see that your friend having to create a step by step itinerary for your day that includes “get dressed” and “eat” does not point to the likelihood that you are fine.

Hard to see that when the thought of being alone for any period of time terrifies you.. When it’s hard to remember what it’s like to just feel content, have energy, not be anxious… you are not ok.

When it feels like it will never get better it’s time to take a serious look at your life and ask, “Am I really OK? Do I want to live like this? Is this healthy for me? For my relationships?”

And if the answer is no, it’s time to get help.

My name is Jalyss and I have depression. If you think you might, don’t put it off, don’t try to rationalize or make excuses. Get help, it’s worth it.

According to the Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance nearly 7% of individuals will experience depression in a given year. Unfortunately, 2 of 3 people will not actively seek treatment.

*I am currently 2 months on a combination anxiety, depression, chronic pain medication and I feel clearer, happier, more energetic, and more myself than I have in 18 months. I am optimistic that this will continue. Depression runs in my family and mine seems to have been set off by a particularly stressful time in my life.

**I want to say a massive thank you to a few close friends and of course my husband who have been a huge support to me through all of this. From listening to me process to insisting I eat dinner. From making me get dressed to Skype interventions. From prayer to mind numbing Netflix binges. I am immeasurably grateful for you guys.

Practicing Presence

Early last year Sojourners Magazine put out 10 Resolutions for 2015. I know we are a bit past that now, but one of the resolutions has really stuck with me.

“Practice presence: Spend less time with screens and more with books, less time with complaining and more with solving, less time with arguing and more with listening, less time with shopping and more time with being thankful, less time with worrying and more with exercising, less time obsessing about food and more time eating well, less time planning and more time doing, less time scheduling and more time living one day at a time.”

(If you want to check out the other 9, and I would recommend you do, you can do so here: https://sojo.net/articles/10-resolutions-2015 )

In an effort to practice presence during lent I have made 4 changes in my phone use that I have found really helpful.

1. I am not using social media before noon. This isn’t strictly a phone thing, but it is something that I do mostly on my phone. The first week or so I found this quite difficult but I am now finding myself checking for the first time of the day at 2 or 3 in the afternoon. I do not feel the constant obligation to stay updated or respond to things straight away, which is quite nice.I am using my mornings more productively (and we know how I feel about productivity…)
2. I have turned off nearly all notifications on my phone. I still have notifications on for text and Facebook inbox messages, and obviously calls, but everything else has been turned off. It is much easier to ignore an app without constant notifications popping up. Now, instead of wasting ten minutes scrolling down my newsfeed each time I check an individual notification I get on and check 10 at once and then have a look at what’s going on. Which means I am not absent-mindedly looking through the same stuff several times.
3. I am leaving my phone outside of my room when I go to bed … sometimes. Ok, so I’m not perfect here, but I’m trying. I do find that I read much more when I leave my phone out of the room when I got to bed, which is something I want to do. I have found that there hasn’t been a single circumstance so far when I needed my phone during the night. Who knew?
4. I have cleared my phone’s home screen. I have 4 apps at the bottom of my screen- Calls, texts, emails, and my camera. Everything else I have moved over to a secondary screen. Now when I look at my phone to return a text I don’t end up on Facebook or Pinterest just because I’ve seen them.

Lest you think I am anti-facebook or holier-than-thou let me say: I love Facebook. I love WhatsApp. GroupMe is great and occasionally I remember that I have SnapChat and I fumble around trying to check my Snaps. I live far away from the vast majority of people that I care about. These apps give me not only the big life updates but also the random day-to-day stuff that make me feel more connected. I’m not trying to replace physical relationships with online interaction; I am doing the best I can to keep long-distance relationships healthy and Facebook, amongst others, helps me do that. Also, it’s just enjoyable.

So why am I cutting back?

I don’t dislike technology we just aren’t very good at using it in moderation. This is my attempt to do so. The average American watches 5 hours of TV PER DAY and research has recently shown that we use our phones twice as much as we believe we do, up to 5 hours a day (http://journals.plos.org/plosone/article?id=10.1371/journal.pone.0139004). I feel strongly about living with intentionality. So rather than spending 15 minutes several times in a day flicking through my newsfeed (yeah guys, I have some time on my hands at the moment) I’d like to shoot out a few personal messages or texts. Instead of playing games on my phone at night I’d like to spend that time reading any of the dozens of books I have but haven’t read. Or… actually sleep. Instead of filling every spare second with something to entertain myself I’d like to feel comfortable with lulls. I find that I actually think about things when I’m not distracted. Sometimes they are important and sometimes not, but the space to reflect on either level has been lost in many of our lives. For some of us it was never there in the first place. Sometimes technology facilitates relationships, productivity, and knowledge; but sometimes it hinders them. I think it’s important that we learn to recognize which effect it is having and react accordingly.

It’s a work in progress but the more I practice the easier it seems to get. I’m just practicing practicing presence. I’m not there yet but so far I like the effects it has had.

I am reading more actual, physical books. I am reaching out to friends and family more often. I feel less distracted in general- better able to focus. Spending less time online makes me feel like my time is my own. I am not controlled by an app that needs to be checked (I know, dramatic, but it is genuinely freeing). I am writing again and spending time thinking- just thinking. Life has more space. Using social media mindfully is helping free me from the distraction of constant connection. I hope to have the discipline to continue in these endeavors of moderation when lent ends.

Today was the National Day of Unplugging. Did anyone try it? Would love to hear your thoughts.

Living and learning and doing my best to love.

The Power of Slowing Down

I like busy.

I don’t think I am a workaholic, I just like to have things going on. I function best with a fair amount of structure. I have an intense need to be productive in some way whether that be working, organizing and reorganizing the house, or learning from documentaries or TED talks.

I hate being sick, as I become stir-crazy within a matter of hours. Given the option I would generally prefer to be stressed by business than stressed by lack of activity. Between James and I we have had 6 jobs for the past year. We each work 2 part time jobs during the day plus asleep or partial asleep overnight jobs. This seemed pretty reasonable to me. It’s what I’m used to and feels like what is expected. Busyness is accepted, even applauded in our culture.

In December we had the opportunity to go to the UK for Christmas. James and I didn’t see one another for several days before we left because of our hectic schedules and there was not a night for 2 weeks leading up to leaving where we were both home overnight, due to our staggered overnight shifts. The first few days in the UK I was anxious about having 3 weeks without work, without constant structured busyness. But then I got to hang out with James and I remembered just how much I like that. I got to read a book. Got to spend time reading the Word and praying with James. Got to spend un-pressured time with people that I love. Had the headspace to serve those around me rather than just doing the bare minimum and falling asleep exhausted by 9:30. I remembered what it felt like to be truly rested. Our time in the UK prompted us to re-evaluate or lives. Helped us to recognize that our schedules were not healthy or life-giving. We decided James would quit one of his day-time jobs and I would put in my notice to my night job when we got home.

Pregnancy has had other plans for me. Instead of having a month to prepare for the transition I had a couple weeks. Bad joints + pregnancy = severe nerve pain. Two weeks before my night job and my coaching job were going to be finishing up I ended up off work completely for nearly a week with severe nerve pain in my back. For several days the only manageable position was lying on my side. I am not sure what was harder to deal with- the physical pain or the frustration of being so limited. Feeling so unproductive. Needing so much help. All in all it was about two weeks where the pain interfered significantly with my life. At only 24 weeks pregnant the thought of things not getting better terrified me.

Fortunately, things have leveled out over the past week. My pain is much more under control. I have to be careful and I am certainly not doing as much as I typically would but it feels manageable. James had his last shift at the coffee shop a couple weeks ago and I had my last overnight shift last week. My high school coaching position came to it’s end with the last competition of the season last weekend.

Now James is working nights and part-time days and I am working a couple days a week. Whilst the circumstances surrounding my slow-down have been frustrating (feeling forced to slow down before I was fully mentally prepared) we are seeing just how important space in life is. It has taken a while for us to get there but we are coming back to the place we were while in the UK.

The past couple weeks have been a breath of fresh air in many ways.

• James and I have been able to spend more time together, which, beyond being enjoyable for us, has had a great impact on our relationship. This is particularly important with Little Zapfletts on the way!
• We have been able to be a part of our church community and my family in a re-energized, life-giving way.
• We have had time to be more intentional about relationships. We can prioritize people over work!
• I have been able to spend time reading, playing board games, and just generally relaxing a
• We have had time to cook real food (I am making our bread again, which I love.)

On the physical side I am learning that sometimes the things I feel are important to do aren’t actually that important. Dishes can sit for a few hours, dinner can be a bit late, it’s not the end of the world. I am also learning to be ok with needing more help and am able to appreciate James’ contribution to our family more.

We desire to live relationship-centered lives. The steps we are taking to create space in our lives is making sharing life with those around us possible. We are not so busy getting through life that we don’t have a chance to live life.

We are living and learning and doing our best to love well.

My 2014 (in a nutshell)

2014 was amazing.

And horrible.

Exciting.

And terrifying.

Energizing

And exhausting.

2014 was more than I thought I could handle, but here I am, in 2015, so I must have survived.

Between January 2014 and January 2015 I…

Moved from Birmingham to Cardiff

Moved from Cardiff back to Birmingham

Graduated from Wolverhampton with a BA HONS in Conductive Education

Graduated from Crown (online) with a BA in Psychology and a minor in Biblical Studies

Travelled around the UK for 2 weeks with my mom and sisters

Spent 5 months planning a wedding that would be on another continent

Filed for a visa for James

Went on holiday in Devon with James’ family

Said some devastating goodbyes

Packed up all of my belongings and moved to US

Spent 2 months living and working in Chicago

Spent 2 months planning a wedding that would be in a different state

Spent a week frantically calling senators and congressman, begging for help with a visa that was 4 months late

Cancelled James’ flight and scheduled another

Waited

Barely got a visa

Moved to St Boni

Spent 1 week in MN finishing wedding planning

Got married!

Spent an amazing 2 weeks with UK friends and family in the US!

Said more devastating goodbyes

Went to Orlando on honeymoon

Filed for the next phase of James’ visa

Changed my surname to Zapfletts (Here’s why)

Moved into first apartment with James

Bought my first Car

Wrecked my first car (rolled. If you’re going to total your car, do it right.)

Chopped my hair off, 16 inches

Started working at MRCI part-time

Started working at MORA part-time

Found a new church

Bought my second car

Got my first full-time job (at MORA)

Spent Christmas with my US family and new husband 🙂

***

And that’s it! 😛

Which should help explain my blogging hiatus.

I am planning on getting into a few of these points in future posts. Stay tuned.

Mirror Blog

Just a quick post to say:

I’m starting a mirror blog for my conductive education related posts. So, all posts will continue to be posted at Hop, Skip, and a Jump, but only CE related posts will be posted on my new blog here: I Stand Tall. So, if you are only interested in my CE stuff, I Stand Tall is the place for you. Bear with me as I work out any kinks in the new format.

That’s all.

Jalyss

One… is the loneliest number

So I was very hopeful (Naïve?) that upon graduating I would beat the odds and be the minority graduate who was able to work together with other conductors soon after graduating. I was adamant that I did not want to be on my own at the beginning. I wanted support from, mentoring by, and practice around more experienced conductors. I wanted to work on professional development straight away. Ah, the optimism (a product of the sheltered Uni environment?)

I spent my first two months as a qualified conductor in, for me, an exceptionally idealistic environment. Not only was I working with incredibly capable and experienced conductors, I was working in an interdisciplinary team that included OTs and PTs. I loved it.

But then my summer job ended. Sigh…

So here I am now. Alone. In precisely the position I had hoped to avoid. Obviously I have time to get to where I want to be, no one’s first job is their dream job right? But still, it is tough going.

I am currently working full-time at a group home and part-time 1-to-1 with my little brother, JZ. My role in the group home is minimal, because I work nights. So I only have a few hours each shift with the guys and my time with them is mostly just making sure every gets their meds, their breakfast, and their shoes on the right feet before leaving for their day-programme. My work with my brother is more suited to my qualification, but is still not quite the environment I would like. I am not thrilled to be working 1-on-1, the group is one of my favorite principles in CE.

Generally, I am lacking the structured support that I feel I need as a newly qualified conductor. You can’t even do this as a physio or OT, where one is required to be supervised initially. There is stuff in the works at the moment, headed up by NICE, to help get NQCs, and conductors in general, more support and organized professional development. The gap is being addressed but we’re not there yet.

There is one other conductor in my state. One other conductor in a space that is equivalent to the entire UK.

I feel so alone (woe is me).

Anyway, onto the constructive complaining.

{As this blog shows fairly regularly, I am a lover of lists (and parenthetical statements, it’s even worse before my first 3 rounds of editing…). I have therefore organized my difficulties in a handy, bullet-pointed list. This should make is easier both for me to organize my problems and for you to solve them!}

So here are my NQC issues:

1. Lack of Support

I’ve already kind of beaten this one to death, but to be more specific; sometimes I just don’t know what to do. I come to the end of my knowledge and experience and need someone to talk to, to bounce ideas off of, to debate with. I need someone else to lead a program, to make me articulate why I am doing something, to offer a different perspective. JZ recently got a new style of *brace that I do not actually know how to put on, I am at a loss when it comes to potty training with him, and I need more ideas to teach reading.

I feel I have a decent understanding- obviously to be hugely deepened- of the principles of CE, but they do not always seem to be helping me get past these practical areas.

I would like to flesh out some of these difficulties a bit more in a future post, because I genuinely would like to get some advice.

*Theratogs, thoughts? I am cautiously a fan when used with CE principles in mind. I have managed to use them a few times with him since writing this, hello Velcro!

**Also, I must mention that since my previous post, an experienced conductor, whom I respect hugely, has reached out to me to offer her support, and I have taken it gladly. Perhaps I need to be more active in looking for more support from experienced conductors, even if it’s long-distance.

2. Working 1-to-1

There are just SO MANY advantages to working in a group. Many of the things I struggle with I feel would be solved by a group environment. A couple of areas that I am having to learn to adjust for working 1-to-1 are:

Planning: I find it difficult to find a practical way to plan for 1-to-1 sessions. JZ is quite susceptible to illness, if he is not well the entire day needs to be adjusted. If he were just one in a group, the plan would still work, and just be adjusted a bit for him. I swing between varying levels of planning for our day-to-day work. Some days I plan out exactly what I want to work on throughout the 3-4 hours. Some days, I just keep in mind his goals, see how he is feeling and reacting that day, and go from there. I think the answer lies somewhere between these approaches.

Rhythmic Intention: It can feel a bit forced to use RI with one person. I generally use a mixture of RI and normal speech. I use it consistently for areas I know he really benefits, like walking, and then maybe less often for tasks he has a fairly good grasp of. Would he benefit more from using it all the time as would be the case in a group?

Programs: In 1^st year we would be glad if we had a small group, by 2^nd year we were always hoping for big groups! Similar to RI, it just seems harder to do programs with one person than with a group. For example, if JZ cannot complete a task, I feel I should always wait for him to finish it. But should I always hold him to such a high standard? In a group, he would inevitably not complete each task to the best of his ability every time. Also, a group would force more independence from him, etc.

Motivation: It’s hard to keep things interesting, mix them up, create an atmosphere, etc, when working 1-to-1 (maybe I’m just a boring person..). The group is a highly motivating force that I am finding difficult to replace (or that I rely on to make up for being boring). CE groups are like teams, with each person fulfilling a role of some sort, contributing to the team. I am struggling to find ways to instill the desire to contribute without peers for JZ.

3. Putting knowledge of principles into practice in completely different contexts

In our 3^rd year we had several lectures and countless discussions on the difference between CE philosophy and CE methodology. We discussed how important it is to try to identify and maintain the philosophies when adapting the methodology to suit your context. I am very grateful that there was a strong emphasis on this. I find that I have to frequently determine ways to stay in line with philosophy when working without a group and on a sessional basis rather than in a school.

4. Transitioning to being a ‘professional.’

One day you are a student, the lowest on the totem pole. You are allowed (and expected) to make mistakes, to not know all the answers, to question yourself.

The next day you are a professional out in the big bad world and people expect you to be a professional. Which, obviously, is completely fair. However, it is kind of an abrupt shift and it takes some getting used to.

I am very grateful, however, to have had my final placement where I had it. While on placement at CYP I felt like part of the team. My ideas and opinions where always considered, my perspectives respected and seen as valid. I not only felt accepted but necessary, which is brilliant for confidence as a student. I believe my time at CYP was very helpful in moving me out of the student mentality and into a professional mindset, but I still have a way to go.

5. The realities of moving away, again

Three and a half years ago I uprooted my life and moved to another continent. Six months ago I did it again. It’s not fun. It’s not easy. I am NOT ready to do it again just yet.

Unfortunately, all prospective CE jobs are a minimum of 7 hours away, with most being over 12 hours from where I currently am. I want to work in CE, but at the moment I’m still getting over the last move and the thought of another is overwhelming.

*****

I do want to point out that it’s not all problems all the time! I am really enjoying my work at the moment, despite these challenges. In future posts, I am going to discuss some of the aspects that are different but enjoyable, what I am learning, and ways I have found to overcome some of the difficulties I’m facing (does this make me an ‘Orthofunctional Conductor’? 🙂

As always, please let me know your thoughts! I am craving good CE interaction.

“You never blog anymore…”

Several people have mentioned to me lately that I never blog anymore. I think the longer I don’t blog, the harder it becomes to blog. I do blog though. That is, I start blogs. I have 6 blogs posts started that are currently sitting on my desktop reminding me of how bad I am at finishing blog posts.
Onto the excuses.

SO. MUCH. Has happened this year. The highs have been especially high, and the lows particularly low. This year can be summed up in the word transition, and it has been overwhelming to say the least. I feel I’ve gotten through 2014 by the skin of my teeth, without the slightest bit of extra energy or focus to articulate the happenings here. I have loads on my mind, just can’t get it down.

I’m never quite sure which way I want to go with this blog, ‘personal’ life or Conductive Education (though they are often impossibly intertwined anyway). I am a classic over-analyzer. At any given time I have a million thoughts on the various things going on in my life, which is the only reason I would blog about my life instead of CE. I certainly don’t do it because I believe I am interesting. Having said that, I have two posts in my head that I am hoping to transfer to the more tangible form of a Word Document in the near future. One is very CE, essentially a plea for help from a newly qualified conductor who has, unfortunately, found herself on her own already. The other is just a bit of a debrief of 2014 in all its excitement, difficulty, and generally craziness. So if you’ve given up on the blog, don’t! Life is coming down to a more reasonable pace and I am hopeful that I will be able to post my thoughts here again more regularly.
*One more thought on my poor blogging. I am a perfectionist. This shows itself in many ways, my blog is one. I have high standards for myself regarding the quality of what I publish. I write, edit, analyze, edit, rewrite, etc before posting things. This makes it a bit more of a time commitment than perhaps it should be. I am working on being less concerned with having things perfect before posting, but it’s a process.

Be back soon.